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Complete the Grand Arcade Challenge
60 stores. 60 shots. 60 minutes. Yes, I suppose you could do this anytime of year. But think about it this way: there’s no reason not to do it at Christmastime. It would be also be a great way to catch up with an old buddy you haven’t seen in a while – nothing helps you reconnect like downing 25ml of Jack Daniels together in John Lewis before sprinting away from the bewildered security guards. Will you make it onto the Hall of Fame for the luxury shopping centre’s world-famous drinking challenge?
Kidnap the Kings College Choir, Releasing Them on The Condition That They Sing A Carol In Your Honour During Their Christmas Service
This may sound ridiculous, so let me put this into some perspective for you: everyone loses over their shit when one person is kidnapped. Do the maths. There would be pandemonium if you managed to abduct an entire choir. The rest of the world would be eating out of the palm of your hand – requesting that an original festive carol be composed and performed in your name would seem all too reasonable a ransom demand to make. Plus, you’d get to see it on the television when their service is broadcast on BBC Two, you’d become famous overnight!
Bring Your Office Christmas Party to Let’s Kill Disco @ Lola Lo’s
It’s the only place to be on a Thursday night in Cambridge, so why would you let a pesky office Christmas party get in the way of that? Your boss or a senior colleague may be recently divorced – this is your prime opportunity to prove you’re employee of the month material by setting them up with a fellow clubber! Imagine the scene: they’re stood on the edge of the dancefloor, Budweiser in hand, moments away from breaking into tears at the thought of another night alone without their beloved wife and kids. Then – out of the corner of their eye – you appear, with a 20-year-old university student who’s come home for the holidays on each arm. You ask if they’d like to dance. With a sigh, they reluctantly say yes. Fast forward five minutes and they’re energetically getting with one of them – you’ve just earned a fat festive bonus on top of your pay check, congratulations!
Try Mulled Absinthe
Mulled wine is for pussies. Mulled cider? Bah! You mean mulled apple juice. This is the real deal. Go on, just take a sip! What’s the worst that can happen?
Save Christmas After You Drank Too Much Mulled Absinthe and Ruin It
God, there’s no stopping you, is there? You were downing shot after shot of mulled absinthe like you didn’t have a care in the world – well you better fucking start caring now. You must’ve been blackout drunk last night: your behaviour was utterly appalling. You violently assaulted Santa Claus because he refused to pour you another whiskey, broke the legs of four reindeer on a mindless rampage, and set my Christmas tree ablaze because you complained you were chilly – even after I’d turned the heating up and leant you a cosy handknitted jumper. Christmas is looking ruined right now, so you better don a red hat, become a reindeer surgeon, and put on Santa’s suit – it’s time for you to save Christmas!
Carry Out a Grand Heist of A Cambridge College
Now the Cambridge students have gone home for Michaelmas vacation, this is your chance to rob the colleges for all they’ve got. Without any whiny little nerds around to snitch on you, you can steal whatever you feel like. Fancy nicking the stained-glass windows from St John’s chapel? Do it. Itching to chisel off a chunk of The Bridge of Sighs to sell on eBay? Why not. How about pilfering the Corpus Christi clock? Take it, you deserve it. If you’d feel guilty about selling your ill-gotten wares, you could always wrap them up and give them to your loved ones as a once in a lifetime, truly unique Christmas gift!
Pretend There’s Snow
I don’t want to be that guy, the guy who heartlessly crushes your dreams so unexpectedly. Let’s face it though, it probably won’t snow in Cambridge (again!) this winter. You know what you could do instead, however? Simply pretend there’s snow! There’s no limit to the amount of fun you can have when you’re imagining what it would be like to skip and frolic through pristine white-capped fields on a clear December morning – this is undoubtedly
Work for Big Fish Ents
You read that right, we’re recruiting new staff for the festive season and 2018! Big Fish Entertainment is hunting for brand new photographers, street team, and till staff. If you’re interested, please send a CV to email@example.com. I mean for crying out loud, it’s Christmas! Let us bestow upon you the gift of casual employment.
Put on Your Own Festive Pantomime
The stage is your oyster here: you can do anything (within the constraints of your staff, time, and budget)! How about a musical starring a beleaguered Theresa May desperately trying to save Britain’s Brexit negotiation position from the two ugly Brexiters? You could have a compelling duet starring May and Arlene Foster over the Irish Border question, coupled with some comical facial expressions from Jean Claude-Juncker whilst the back and forth is occurring. You could throw in some audience participation, by having everyone shout, “how much?!” every time an EU diplomat repeats the Brexit divorce bill to the Prime Minister. You could even have a hilarious “it’s behind you!” scene where May is trying to find her cake, so she may eat it.
Tuck into A Traditional Roast Pigeon for Your Christmas Dinner
Oh my, what a delicacy! Much like me, you may find it nigh on impossible to resist poaching one of these gamey birds in city centre outside of the Christmas period. That is forbidden though. You may only have local, sustainable, scrap food reared pigeon for Xmas dinner and Boxing Day lunch, the way God intended. My mouth is watering now just thinking about it.