Festive Fix: 5 Tips to Help You Start 2019 Right
5 Tips to Help You Start 2019 Right
2018 is coming to an end, which means 2019 is about to kick off! Many people like to reflect upon themselves and strive for self-improvement at this time of year. So, being the generous soul that I am, I decided to lend you a helping hand! Here are Big Fish Ents’ 5 tips to start 2019 right.
Bulk buy tickets for Let’s Kill Disco in advance
There are five Let’s Kill Discos coming up in January! That’s five opportunities to experience Ariana Grande’s music how it was intended; dancing on the light-up disco floor of a Tiki themed nightclub. Buying an online ticket makes life so much easier for everyone: you’ll know your entry is guaranteed and I won’t have to deal with you being rude to me when I tell you how much it is to get in.
Look, once we get past the obligatory promotion of Let’s Kill Disco, the hottest Thursday night out you can possibly dream of in Cambridge, we can get onto the good stuff. Just click the link and buy a dozen tickets for every event. Cheers.
Buy a gym membership you’ll never use
Why would you join a gym? To make use of the high-end facilities? Don’t be ridiculous. To get into better shape? Ha! As if that will ever happen. For the social credit you’ll gain and the impression you’ll make with people when they discover you’ve joined a gym? Certainly.
Millennials are the poorer than previous generations, which is why it would be so damn impressive to have a gym membership you didn’t want or need. It’s the epitome of big dick energy: paying for a service you’ll never partake in. You’ll feel great for wasting upwards of £40 a month, develop a healthy glow about you, and inevitably lose weight anyway once you start cutting back on food to balance your budget.
Cut the snakes out of your life by severing every friendship you have
I bet you’ve been hustling and doing bits, but there are still snakes out to get you everywhere you turn, because some haters don’t wanna let a G shine. But where are those snakes? The grass grows so thick in these ends - there’s no knowing which members of your circle are out to get you, which leaves you with a single option: burn every bridge you have.
Think of it this way: all the people you are close to can stab you in the back and are probably plotting your demise at this very moment. The only way to deny them this opportunity is to go silent, cut off all contact, and never see them again. You’ll be thanking yourself when you’re sitting at home by yourself every night, safe in the knowledge no one is going to hurt you!
Write a self-help book and then read it
Self-help books are all the rage for individuals who can’t figure out their own problems. If you’re struggling with turning your life around, you could write a self-help book and then read it cover to cover.
They tend to follow more or less the same structure: the writer makes some grand proclamation about how their world has been perfect ever since they started following 5 simple steps which upon closer scrutiny turn out to be utterly trivial and/or tokenistic. All you need to do is decide what your 5 steps are going to be, stretch it out to roughly 300 pages, and boom! You’ve written your own self-help book, congratulations!
If you’re struggling with starting your self-help book, I’d recommend reading a self-help book written by someone else to inspire you.
Stop drinking for a month after you do some dark shit on New Year’s Eve
We’ve all been there. You’ve gone on a massive bender which has left mistakes, regret, and utter carnage in its wake. This isn’t like a night of normal drinking though; this time you feel some deep, emotional pain inside of you as a consequence of your actions. That’s called guilt - which is exactly what you deserve – you putrid fucking animal. You better stop drinking for 31 days, that’ll make it right.
By the time February rolls around, you’ll have either completely forgotten why you felt so bad about the horrid, depraved thing you did, or you’ll be so desperate to start drinking again that you won’t care. What’s more, everyone will be so proud and/or jealous of you for sticking to your commitment to not consume alcohol that these feelings will overpower any resentment or disgust they felt towards you for what happened on December 31st.
New year = NEW YOU! 2020 is going to be the year of a healthier, happier, more productive you, right? How long will your Lent Term resolutions last... Read more...