4 jobs you don’t need A-Levels to do

It’s that time of year again – the Let's Kill Disco A-Level results all-nighter from 9am to 6am at Lola Lo's! It's also the time of year when successful people are lining up on the Twittersphere to tell you that it’ll all be fine as they got EEE at A-Level and it worked out fine for them. There are two problems with this: (A) these people were rich anyway or (B) the world doesn’t work how it used to in the 80s.

No matter what happens to you on results day, it’s time to hustle. A lot of young people hustle the government by tricking them into giving you money while you pretend to learn things. But if that option has been sealed off by your A-Level results, there’s still plenty of doors open to you! Here are four examples of jobs you can get now you’ve been released into the world of work.

 

Let’s Kill Disco cashier/promoter/rep

That’s right, we’re hiring! Do you like street selling, or rather, accused of being a scammer by members of the public? Do you like the feel of the new plastic money and want to make a living out of this passion by placing it in and withdrawing it from a till? Do you like the sheer thrill and prestige that comes from holding a guestlist clipboard, searching for a clubgoer’s name – holding their fate in your hands?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, a career* at Big Fish Ents could be for you! Sadly, there is still no A-Level in nightclub promotion, so there is no preliminary qualification that we can use to vet potential candidates. Finally, a bit of good news for all of you who failed today!

 

Bounty hunter

Why doesn’t school teach you things that you’ll genuinely need in the real world? If you come out of tertiary education without any skills except how to analyse a Jane Austen novel, that’s not going to do very much for you except look pretentious when you bring it up in any social situation.

If you never liked Jane Austen and accordingly didn’t do that well in your English A-Level, this would have no effect on your career* trajectory if you chose to become a bounty hunter. As far as I’m aware, using high-tech surveillance equipment and shrewd detective skills to track down your target in exchange for a handsome reward only requires 5 A*-C GCSEs including Maths and English. Even this seems a little much; the only numerical skills you’ll need is counting the zeros on your paycheques.

 

Lawyer but like the one in Suits who didn’t have a law degree

This isn’t a spoiler – I’m just explaining the premise of the hit US show Suits. Basically, this guy called Mike Ross who never went to law school gets hired to work at this high-powered law firm and keeps it a secret from everyone and it used to star Meghan Markle too. Now, if this can happen for an insanely attractive and charismatic character in a television show, it’ll probably be able to happen for you too.

The bottom line is you don’t actually need A-Levels in the first place if you can get away with lying and saying that you have them. Sure, you’ll have to at least make a token effort at learning on the job when you become a lawyer without a law degree, but all jobs are like that. Worst case scenario, you’ll be found out and forced to go back to school to get a real degree, which funnily enough is the plot of a different show, Community.

 

Member of Parliament

I went to the effort of looking up the requirements to become an Member of Parliament on a government website. Legally, you just need to be a British, Irish or Commonwealth citizen over the age of 18. However, it’s also recommended that you understand the English language, can use your initiative and be able to, I quote, “to carry out basic tasks on a computer of hand-held device”. Note that at no point in that surprisingly short list did it say that you needed any A-Levels. The only obvious stumbling block here is that you’d need to be elected first.

So, do you want to be the next Sarah Wollaston, or the next Alex Sobel? Then despair not, because literally anyone can become an MP!