Dear Mama Fish...
“Dear Mama Fish,
On my worst night out this term, I didn’t actually make it to the club. I went on a swap, vomited in Gardies, in an Uber and on my best friend. I had to be taken home at 11, and got Deaned for vomiting on college. I got given ‘Community Service’ and had to be up at 7am 5 days in a row.
Some advice on how to actually make it out to the club instead would be appreciated. I just want the next generation to learn from my mistakes.
We’ve all been there! Well, maybe not the community service part, but if you’ve not come close to vomming in Gardies/on a friend/on college then have you even been out this term?
Anyway, at risk of sounding like your mum, here’s some sage advice for you on how to actually make it out!
Line that stomach! (Mum was right. So was your college mum. So am I.) Let’s face it, you know you’re not going to actually eat at a swap, and if you get pennied too much at formal then your hand eye co-ordination will have gone before you get to the main course and more food will end up on your gown than in your mouth. Have some toast before you pre/swap/formal and it’ll actually make all the difference.
Nap. You’re probably a worse drunk when you’re tired, so ignore that essay and have a power nap before you plan on going out. It’s the right thing to do.
9% Sainsbury’s wine. We all like to think our tolerance is high, and then three glasses down realise we can’t feel our hands and we’re probably going to end up...well, vomming in Gardies. Instead, get your wine from Sains (the cheap bit of the alcohol aisle, opposite the ice cream). It’s cheaper, lower percentage so you’re less likely to pass out, and tastes like fruit juice. You can always buy more drinks, or nick your friend’s vodka, but you can’t un-drink a bottle of 13% vinegar.
Put yourself on the Guest List/buy queue jump tickets before 11pm. Nothing motivates you to make it to the club like the prospect of saving some of that sweet sweet student loan. Guaranteed free entry before 11 will have you sprinting across Market Square at 10:57 regardless of how much you’ve drunk. (Or get your tickets in advance from the Big Fish website, first release tickets are only £1 and no one seems to know this…)
Think of the VKs. If none of that works, just remember it’s 4 VKs for £10, and power through.
Best of luck and lots of love,
Mama Fish xo
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