Lent Term in Club Nights
Week -1 : The One at Home
It’s January. You’ve been back for a month in the tiny backwater town you grew up in, and you go to a high school reunion because you’re desperate for literally anything to do. The night out involves a £30 taxi back after awkwardly avoiding your high school ex all night. Someone probably cried because “we’ve all changed so much!” and a prostitute did a poo on the floor (Lincoln Lola Lo, I’m looking at you). You text your friend, <can’t wait to go out in cam again>.
Week 0 : The One Where You Pretend to be Fresher Again
You’re finally back, you’ve unpacked, and you’re ready for a mad one with your real friends. You don’t have a deadline for at least a week and you’ve got the litre bottle of gin your dad gave you for Christmas. You’re so keen you’ve made a group Spotify playlist.
You get to Cindies, everyone gets 4 VKs and you only spill two of them. Beyonce has just come on, life is great, and this term is going to be incredible.
Objectively the best night you’ll have out all term. You peaked too early, but you’re at Cambridge so you’ve figured that one out already.
Week 1 : The One Where No One Makes It
You go to formal but you lost your tolerance over Christmas and 1 bottle of wine knocks you out. You make it as far as the Van of Life, buy cheesy chips and go home.
Week 2 : The One With The Special Guest
Charlie from Busted (or was it McFly?) is at Cindies and suddenly you’re 12 again. You can remember ALL their songs, like Crashed the Wedding, Air Hostess, and...all the other ones. You’re sure there’s other ones, and you’ll definitely remember them in a minute.
You drag your friends out - it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity! You meet Charlie from Busted (it’s definitely Busted, not McFly). You cry. It’s a bit embarrassing.
Week 4 : The One on Valentine’s Day
You’re desperate. Your best mate is in the corner getting off with her RAG blind date, after she made you come out on the guilt trip that she would probably need rescuing. You down another tequila slammer and hit the dancefloor. You scan the room. You are on a mission.
That guy’s cute, but he’s probably gay. The one in the corner is smiling at you, but he looks like he’s still going through puberty so you give him a miss. That one has zits. That one has zits. They’re probably mathmos. A group of rugby lads pass. They’re the best bet by far, but they’re really tall and last time you got with a rugby lad your neck hurt from craning up so much to kiss him. The gay guy has pulled, and you’re starting to wonder if you should just find someone on tinder. You have another shot, and attempt to chat up the cute guy at the bar. Your friend texts you saying she’s gone home with Mr Blind Date. You should probably give up now.
The next morning you wake up in the bed of some guy at John’s. You’re hoping it was one of the rugby guys but of course it was one of the mathmos. You remember that John’s May Ball tickets have already sold out, so there’s not much point hanging on. You sneak out, safe in the knowledge that you’ll spend the next three years awkwardly avoiding him every single time you go out.
Week 5 : The One That Was Never Going To Happen
Week 6: The One Where You Drag Everyone Out
It’s your birthday, you have to go out. You’ve booked out a room at a pub, you make all your friends come, but your subject friends and college friends don’t know each other so it’s super awkward. The guy in the corner won’t shut up about rowing (he’s not drinking because it’s bumps next week), but no one cares, and you only invited him because he’s your college brother. You use the excuse that it’s your birthday to get everyone to buy you drinks. The pub calls last orders at half eleven. “CINDIES TIME” you scream, because let’s face it the other option is Novi. Only 3 others make it out, but at least it’s not socially awkward any more.
Week 7: The One At ArcSoc
That one edgy friend that you met in the ADC Bar says a big group of you are going and you HAVE to go with them. The theme is probably something edible (because just eating food is for normies) so you spend hours on the perfect costume and end up looking like either a turnip or an olive, you’re not sure which. You’re probably not going to pull though. You get there and everyone is pinging off their tits. You’re regretting it already. The Junction is far away, and either you don’t know anyone, or the ones you do know are disguised as a strawberry, or scrambled eggs. You wish you’d gone to Lolas, because let’s face it, you’re too basic for this.
Week 8: The One Where You’re A Zombie
YOU’VE MADE IT. You wrote 10,000 words yesterday because you’d completely forgotten your coursework deadline what with all the weekly essays, but the main thing it that you’re free. Dua Lipa comes on, and you scream along because after 3 more nights with Week 4 guy you’re completely done with boys (until next term). You’re there for about 15 minutes before you realise that you’re exhausted and have become an actual zombie. You buy a round of J-Bombs steal a cigarette from someone in the smoking area and power through. Before you know it it’s 3am, your slut drops have turned into just crouching to rest your legs, but you’ve seen the term off properly and are truly ready for a 5 week rest before it starts all over again.
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