10 New Year’s Resolutions Cambridge Students will Make… and Break...

It’s the year 2020! The year of YOU. Last decade was a bit of a fluke… you got through school, you got into Cambridge, your parents were proud, and you achieved all you could achieve. However, towards the end things definitely started to veer off track.

As post after post appear on your timeline; “the 10 year challenge! Me then vs now… gosh haven’t I improved!” you start to remember that photo of you from last term’s Christmas bop that got shared on the group chat and was photoshopped 6 times over the holiday… is it really an improvement on that photo of you from 2010 in a cute pair of dungas with icecream on your face?

So when you woke up on January 1st, half dressed, one shoe still on and your breath smelling of beer and cheese, you thought “when I go back to Cambridge this year, I’ll start fresh and get my life back on track.”

Here are the 10 Cambridge New Year’s Resolutions you will make… and will DEFINITELY break.

1. I will not lose my CamCard

How many times have you lost your CamCard? It’s the most frustrating thing.

Whenever you have it, you laugh to your friends about the lack of security in your college; how surely anyone could wander in, amble up a staircase, come into your gyp room and help themselves to your cereal. But after losing it on a night out, you wake up to find you live in Fort Knox. Suddenly every gate is locked and every door needs CamCard access. You can’t buy food in college and you can’t get into the library… and as the porters sign out ANOTHER little white piece of plastic to you with a disapproving glare, you vow this will be the last time! Until you next need to dig out your ID in the street outside Fez and it falls in the gutter… again.


2. I will cook at least once a week

You may not be quite cut out for Veganuary, but this is going to be the year of a healthier, more adult, more accomplished you. It will save you money and your tasty homemade dishes will make great Instagram stories, except the avocado you bought for lunch today is squashy, the “weeks’ worth of groceries” you’ve bought totalled over £30 and don’t all fit in your fridge, you’ve got rice all stuck to the bottom of your saucepan and that batch of chilli con carne you cooked (which was supposed to last you several days)? You ate it all in one go in front of the new season of Rick and Morty.


3. I will actually prep for supervisions

Wouldn’t supervisions be so much more helpful if you did a bit of work before them… then you might have some insightful questions to ask… and when your supervisor points to your scribbles on the paper in front of you and asks you what they are, you might actually remember what you had written. All easier said than done. Time always seems to slip away in those precious few hours before a supo… usually caused by scrolling through Camfess… or dishing out bad chat on the group chat.


4. No more late night Gardies baby

This time, I promise, I’ll just go straight home to bed. I do NOT need cheesy chips. The night is done, it’s over, we’ve all had a good time. We do NOT need a large mezze box to round off the evening, especially after all that pizza we ate before we went out. But the golden lights of Gardies is calling. Greta ushers you in, like an angel from above. You pose for a photo, you zap your apple pay, and next thing you know it’s 11am, you have terrible indigestion on top of the banging headache, your bank balance is in negative numbers and there’s ketchup all down your sleeve.


5. I’ll stop using other people’s shampoo

You are perfectly capable of buying shampoo. You are a grown up now. It is not fair to just use a little bit out of a different bottle in the shower each day. Even if it smells nicer than yours. Even if you just forgot to buy more. Even if you actually have a new bottle in your room right now but you forgot again to bring it with you to the shower. USE YOUR OWN!


6. No more VKs

Over Christmas you acquired a taste for nice wine and fine spirits while getting quietly sozzled on free alcohol in the corner of your parents living room. VKs are 110% sugary unicorn juice and you are totally over them and the horrendous belly-churning hangover they induce. You can’t figure out why you used to drink so many of them… well, not any more! New year, new you! Until you see your mate getting the 4 for £10 deal, and you find yourself making a beeline for the bar.


7. I’ll pick up a new sport, like rowing!

You love to hate it, but the double Bridgemas/Christmas combo that comes with eating at least 4 Christmas dinners and a month of mince pies has not done wonders for your summer bod. Perhaps if you picked up this sport that everyone finds so addictive, you too would shave an inch off your wasteline, rock a pair of lycra leggings and finally get some of the foreign language that is exclusively spoken on Rowbridge. But also it’s 6am and its 0 degrees outside and there’s no way you are getting out of bed.


8. I’ll pick up a new hobby, like art!

You could be into art… you could be classy and cool… loads of Cambridge people you know are into art and go to cool exhibitions and do their own paintings and sketches and pin them up on their noticeboards and stuff. Surely you could do that? Then you attend your first “Drink and Draw”, you’re already binned and all you have been able to produce is this masterpiece; a magnificent portrait of the mate opposite you, drawn with your eyes shut. ART.


9. Look better in club photos

Why can’t you just stand up straight and smile when the club photographer comes around. Why do you ALWAYS do this. Everyone else looks so cool, big smiles, arms around each other… you look like something out of The Possession, with your body all contorted and sweaty, both eyes squinting and your drink spilt down your front. What’s worse is you probably spent 10 minutes climbing through the crowds to the cameraman for this photo.


10. Work harder!

You’re going to go to every lecture, you’ll hand in everything early, you’ll put your greatest efforts into every assignment and start revising months before the exams. You’re going to have a seat in the library and it will be YOURS, because you’ll be such a dedicated worker this year that everyone will know that it is where YOU always sat. You’ll be that one that all your friends talk about… “how do they do it?? They are so on top of their studies, they’re getting top marks all round, and yet they are so cool and sociable and fun and outgoing and chilled and…” Then you realise that this is not possible and its time you set some more realistic resolutions for yourself.

Have a fab new year everyone!