The Worst Drinking Games We've All Played
So I’m not gonna lie, at pres I’m usually the first one to crack open a bottle and yell ‘let’s play a drinking game!’ But then I was thinking about it earlier, and I realised that actually, you know what? Drinking games are a bit shit really, and here’s why.
To quote the iconic Dani Dyer, ‘you’ve made a f@#~ing stupid decision. You’re going to cry and you’re going to be upset’.
Does anyone come out of this game well? If so would love to hear the stories because the only times I’ve played it all hell has broken loose, and I’m not allowed to tell you any more for legal reasons.
2. NEVER HAVE I EVER
It’s just awkward. Unless you have the right people, you’re always going to make someone feel uncomfortable. And that’s just not very nice is it.
3. FORGIVE ME FATHER
Never have I ever, but bragging.
4. TRUTH OR DARE
Okay, so truth is quite fun. But really, my main question is, why in God’s name is the only dare anyone can think of licking things?
5. RING OF FIRE
Okay so I quite like this one. But only when you switch out all the shit rules. And then write all the rules on the cards so people remember the new rules. And then have exactly the right about of people that everyone can still pay attention, but not so few that it’s awkward. You know how many times that ideal situation has occured? Once, and I’ve been here for four years. Ultimately, you’re better off downloading Piccolo.
You’ve got your Ace. Waterfall. Fine. Except half the people are drinking from wine bottles and half have got two fingers of badly mixed cocktail in a plastic cup left, so it’s never going to be equal and no one’s gonna have a good time.
Two, you. Okay, one person’s gonna have a good time, but then they’ll get unnecessarily victimised for the rest of the game because it’s really funny to make one person drink a lot and YES I’m speaking from experience.
Three, me. Okay, I can get behind this.
Four, whores. Bit rude.
Five, ummm….one of the ones where you put your hand in the air? Or the one with the thumb. Or the nose. One of them. Oh everyone’s got their thumb on the table. Oh, everyone apart from me. Oh...okay yep I’ve lost this one.
Six, dicks. Bit rude again, but fair enough.
Seven, which ever one five wasn’t.
Eight, mate. See two.
Nine….rhyme. Really. Really? See, I have an English degree, so I like poetry as much as the next person. In fact I probably like poetry a bit more than the next person. But never would I say sitting down in a circle and trying to think of rhyming words is a good idea, unless it’s primary school, or therapy of some kind. You either get someone say something dull like ‘cat’, in which case you spend ten minutes going round the alphabet before someone says ‘this round is shit’, or else you get some smart arse saying ‘orange’ and everyone rolls their eyes. What’s the point.
Ten, categories. Eh. Again, you’ll either get a really easy one that’ll take twenty minutes or a boring one that’ll take five, or a hard one where you’re just making the person next to you drink. Again, what’s the point. The only time I’ve had a fun round of this was ‘Cambridge Colleges’, because everyone tries to be smart and think of the obscure ones and you end up saying Medwards 5 times and never remember Kings exists.
Jack, erm. Something. Hang on let me google it. Make a rule maybe? Okay great, but if someone suggests the little green man I’ll punch you.
Queen, question master. I wouldn’t mind this one, except I always get caught out by it. The worst one is when the person picks up the card and says ‘what does this mean?’ In my head, I know that I’m being tricked. But deep inside me there’s this urge to prove that I know something they don’t and...oh, yup, I was being tricked.
King. Three people pick this up and have a shit time and one person picks it up and has a very shit time.
This has been my TED Talk on why drinking games are actually a bit crap really. But as a friend just pointed out, any game is a drinking game if you drink during it. So be right back, I’m off to have the best game of chess in my life.
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