The Five Stages of Lola Lo's

Denial

"We're not going to Lola's tonight, don't be ridiculous."
"Fine, we'll pop into Regal for a quick one."
"I've got work tomorrow mate"

It's okay, these are all perfectly natural responses when you're grappling with the fact you'll be going to Lola Lo's. Even on the tills, it's common to see customers who flagrantly refuse to acknowledge they're standing in the lobby for Cambridge's premier three floor Tiki-inspired nightlife experience.

Why do people refuse to accept the trajectory their evening is on? When people feel vulnerable or under threat - perhaps they're scared they'll be the least cool person in the club - a common defence mechanism is to deny these feelings exist at all. Sooner or later, however, it must be confronted.

In the words of Oscar Wilde: "To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul."

Anger

"Why is the stamp so big?!"
"Why don't I come here more often? My youth is slipping away! How many nights like these do I have left?"
"AAARGH! Why aren't they playing more B.O.B?!"

If you find yourself identifying with any of these thoughts - or ones of a similar sentiment - the best thing to do is take a deep breath and relax. Let's dismantle these particular feelings of unwelcome rage and discontent one by one.

Okay, we get it - the stamp is too big. Even at Big Fish Ents - purveyors of excellent nights and impeccable taste - we're willing to accept when someone messed up. For the record though, it wasn't me. Granted, the stamp does cover most of your hand, but is that really worth kicking up a fuss over? Often, anger acts as a substitute emotion so we don't have to feel pain. Is it possible you're not where you are in life? Are you a disappointment in the bedroom? Do you have an unrequited crush on one of the dashing, well-dressed, Oxbridge educated front of house staff at Big Fish Ents? Look below the black ink that I promise will come off if you scrub it enough with soap, and you may find the real cause of your frustration.

Why don't you come here more often, and is your youth slipping away? Let's be honest, you can have too much of a good thing, and yes - that's the nature of time. If you're already showing up to Let's Kill Disco, the very best Cambridge has to offer on a Thursday night, what's the point in overdoing it, or fretting over how old you're getting? The best you can do in this situation is to come each and every Thursday, week in, week out, until the day you drop dead. Remember, you can trust this advice because I work there.

B.O.B was hot property nine years ago, the world has moved on; I can't communicate this to you any clearer. What's more, spherecucks such as ourselves don't want to overplay a renowned flat earther.

Bargaining

If you go into a shop, let's say it's a Sainsbury's, looking to purchase a Magnum ice cream. It's priced at £1.50, which all things considered is a reasonable price given the quality of their product. When you go to the checkout, would you try to renegotiate this price with the vendor? No, that's contrary to the social norm and downright concerning if you're using a self-service checkout.

Now let's suppose you are going to a Cantabrigian venue known for transporting its clientele to the sandy beaches of Polynesia. It's cover charge is a very reasonable £6. Would you try to bargain with the cashier to reduce this when you pay for your entry? You shouldn't, but manual people still do. For me, this is the most frustrating stage of Lola Lo's.

In the age of surveillance capitalism, you are nothing more than a data set. A collection of interests and passions reduced to zeros and ones. A click generating revenue for this site. A consumer with no bargaining power to speak of. So next time, please do everyone a favour and move on.

Depression

“Lola’s is awful”
“I hate my life”
“Hi, excuse me, I don’t suppose a phone has been handed in? Oh dear, how do I get in contact in case it gets handed in? This is awful.”

People often say things they don’t mean, especially when they’re in a poor mental state. Often, this manifests itself in attacking the county-renowned institution that is Lola Lo’s, instead of the demons that are lurking inside one’s self. You can bad mouth it all you want, but at the end of the night you’re the individual who had some pre-drinks, travelled to the venue, and paid to get in. If it’s so terrible, you’re the one to blame for partaking in the first place.

As painful as this feeling can be, there is a silver lining to it; it is a sign that you are finally processing what is happening to you instead of denying it, bargaining with it, or angry at it. Don’t run away from it – it’s a natural part of Lola Lo’s.

Acceptance

“I’m having a great time!”

This is the only possible thing you could be thinking once you finally begin to accept your predicament. I shouldn’t have to explain what enjoying yourself in a nightclub feels like: either you simply don’t like clubbing and never go, or you can fondly recall one of your many wonderful experiences and save me from typing out another paragraph.

Sadly, it’s some stage people never get to – especially if they don’t experience the other four stages first. It may take some time. If you’re patient, you’ll be here before you even realise.