Friday Fix: 5 Things Worse Than Lola Lo's

When I'm working on the tills at Lola Lo's during Let's Kill Disco - the best clubbing experience you could possibly have in Cambridge on a Thursday night - there'll always be some people complaining, without a sense of irony, how bad LKD is as they handover their entry fee. My response? It's not that bad; there are tons of things that could be worse than Lola Lo's. Do you need examples? It doesn't matter what your answer is - here are five things that are worse than Lola Lo's

Going missing

Not being seen or heard from by friends and family for several days would inevitably result in a loved one notifying the police, kicking off a widespread manhunt. This is objectively far worse than Let’s Kill Disco, the very best Cambridge nightlife has to offer on a Thursday night. Let’s compare them side by side: at Lola Lo’s, you can slam several shots with your friends and dance the night away. If you were missing, you could be bleeding out in a ditch, kidnapped by a sadistic stalker, or accidentally travelled back in time to a period much worse than the present day with no hopes of ever returning. Obviously, any sane person would prefer Let’s Kill Disco.

Debate creationists on Twitter

Don’t waste your time on them. Firstly, do you really think 140-character messages are going to be enough to change someone’s mind on an issue? Secondly, there’s so many better things you could be doing with your time than telling Twitter verified Bible-thumpers that fossils were created by the compression of dead organic matter over thousands of years and were not placed by the devil to test humanity’s faith in God. Finally, creationists are often pretty hardcore evangelical Christians, which means they don’t look too kindly on the whole partying, drinking, and premarital sex thing. This means you’re unlikely to run into them at Lola Lo’s – you can forget all about them!

Armed robbery

Purchasing balaclavas and gloves to ensure you will not leave behind a shred of incriminating evidence, acquiring a medium-sized arsenal of deadly weapons, and threatening to blow out the brains of a bank cashier unless they stuff your bag with a dollar sign on it full of cash immediately is not recommended as a viable alternative to Cambridge’s biggest and most happening night. Committing armed robbery is extremely dangerous; what if your getaway driver speeds down the wrong side of the motorway as part of your daring escape and collides headfirst with oncoming traffic? That would not be a pretty picture – and only one of the infinitely many bad things which could happen. Don’t chance it, stick with LKD.

Watch Newsnight

Keeping up with current events is for total squares. Cool people cut shapes on the Lola Lo’s light up disco floor! You can place any news item into one of two categories: important enough for you to know so you don’t look stupid, or superfluous information which if repeated will make everyone around you think you’re a nerd. If it’s the former, you will likely overhear one (or several) individuals raising their voice in the smoking area as they decry how the world is coming to an end. If it’s the latter, you shouldn’t bother finding out for fear of being ostracised as a social outcast. Sorted – I’ve just saved you from watching 50 minutes of TV, that’s time you can spend pre-drinking!

Become trapped in the Labyrinth

Pray, forlorn souls, who find themselves stranded inside this fiendish maze. Scores upon scores of lethal traps – from everlasting fire pits to spiked wrecking balls – hidden inside hundreds upon hundreds of miles of walls; you are but a tiny dot stumbling through the expanse. Skeletons litter every conceivable pathway - what makes you any different? What makes you able to escape? You can mark the walls and attempt to retrace your route, but the Labyrinth’s foundations rotate and shift themselves at random. You can attempt to scale the walls to obtain a vantage point, but you’ll find the top raise itself higher and higher such that the tip is always just out of your grasp. You can scream for mercy, for rescue, but no-one will come.

Don’t find yourself stuck in the Labyrinth. Find yourself at Let’s Kill Disco – Lola Lo’s on a Thursday night.