THINGS YOU DO THAT PISS OFF YOUR FRIENDLY LOCAL NIGHTCLUB STAFF

Okay, so, you’re drunk. We get it. But you don’t have to be a dick about it. Here are the top five eight things you do that we want you to stop. Thanks.

8. Putting your change on the counter when our hands are right there waiting
Okay, so you have your coins. Your friendly local till boy, Danny, has his hand outstretched, waiting for you to put money in it. Instead, you throw it on the counter. It rolls everywhere. Have you ever tried picking up 20 pence pieces off a laminated counter? Didn’t think so, but let me tell you, it’s a bitch. You wander off merrily into the club, while we’re still scrambling for your final 20p. People are queuing out the door. Everyone hates you.


(This got position number 8 because I don’t hate it too much, but GOD does it piss off Danny, so in honour of Danny’s birthday last week, it made the list.)


Honestly if you do this, Danny will want to hurt you. 

7. Thinking we’re psychic
Oh, okay, so you’re here for your friend Jess’s 21st and she’s arranged for a discount because there’s a big group of you. Sounds fun! But you need to actually, you know, tell us that you’re here with your friend Jess, or else we won’t know you’re meant to get a discount. Don’t wait for us to input full price into the till and card reader before you complain: ‘What? Entry’s £6? Jess said it was going to be cheaper than that…’.
 

6. Holding up the queue
Okay, so it’s fine to make small talk while you ‘Pop your pin in for us there and wait for it to go through and we’ll give you a stamp’. That’s fine. But once you’re stamped, you’re done. I don’t care what you’re doing in the morning, or the fact you got a new phone case, or if you should really be doing your essay right now -- me too! What I do care about is that all the people behind you are getting more and more annoyed, and it’s turning into gridlock in the entrance way. Please, for the love of god, move on. I have a special hatred reserved for people who do this every week without fail -- if you want to chat to us, come back down when it’s dead, but for the love of god DON’T HOLD UP THE QUEUE.


5. Leaving before we’ve stamped you, then having to double back, ultimately holding up the queue.
Seriously mate, have you never been to a club before? You queue, you pay, you get a stamp, you go in. It’s really not rocket science.

4. Complaining that the cloakroom is full
I know it’s cold outside -- we sit there with the doors open all night shivering to death. But honestly, when the cloakroom already has 200 coats and 50 rucksacks in (seriously who brings their laptop to a nightclub guys?), just suck it up and tie your jacket round your waist.

 

3. Complaining about the price
Price on the door is £6. It’s been £6 as long as I can remember. Yes, we’re sure. If you want to pay less, get queue jump tickets online, or put your name on the guestlist and turn up before 11.
 


This button exists for a reason. 

2. “Erm...We’re on the Guest List!”
Honey. It’s half 12. Guest list closes at 11. More specifically, it’s the first 50 people in the club before 11 who have put their names on the Facebook event wall get free entry. And we get busy really quickly! If you’re on the guestlist and you’re not in the first 50, but you’ve turned up before 11, it’s £4. It literally says this on the event description. But if you turn up at 10:59 and demand for it to be free, it probably won’t be. If you turn up at 11:05 and say ‘Oh, come on, it’s barely 11’, tough. If you turn up at 1am and complain that you didn’t understand, we will have 0 sympathy. IF YOU WANT FREE ENTRY THEN PUT YOUR NAME ON THE GUESTLIST AND TURN UP AT 10 SO YOU’LL BE IN THE FIRST 50.

 

1. Limp Hand Syndrome
Okay so this one is the one that truly grates on me. If I ask you to ‘put your hand flat so I can give you a stamp’, I mean it.
A) The stamp will not work if you arch your hand like you’re typing, your knuckles will get in the way.
B) The stamp will not work if you have your hand covered with your sleeve, the fabric will get in the way.
C) And, most importantly, the stamp will not work if you wave your hand limply in my face, because that isn’t how physics works.

If you don’t want your supervisor to see the stamp, and you lay your wrist flat on the surface so I can stamp that instead, fine. But if you somehow manage to commit offences a, b AND c, honestly I might cry.