Friday Fix: Interview With The Big Fish

An interview with The Big Fish

In the penultimate edition of Friday Fix Volume 1, our esteemed reporter Sam Juniper sits down with the CEO and founder of Big Fish Entertainment: The Big Fish. The 5-foot-tall, anthropomorphic, cigar-loving, talking fish has masterminded Cambridge’s most legendary club nights from Let’s Kill Disco to Jelly Baby for years. Despite his apparent shyness and elusive nature, he’s spilled all with Mr. Juniper in this exclusive face to face interview.

Samuel Juniper: So, The Big Fish, thank you for sitting down with me! First off, I’ve always been meaning to ask: is The Big Fish your birth name?

The Big Fish:       (puffs cigar) I’m afraid it isn’t. It is a painful reminder of my old life, my tragic past. There is nobody on God’s green Earth but myself who knows my real name.

SJ:                         Then how did you come to be called The Big Fish?

TBF:                      I suppose humanity’s (coughs) masterful skills of observation are to thank for that. When I first climbed out of the sewers and walked among your people they nicknamed me ‘The Big Fish’.

SJ:                         Oh, so did you receive your magical powers which granted you speech and sentience from the sewers? I thought it would have been more of a toxic-waste or nuclear meltdown sort of scenario…

TBF:                      That’s a played-out origin story (puffs cigar). In fact, I was grown in a test-tube by a mad scientist in a laboratory at the bottom of the ocean. He was a genius, but twice as cruel and wicked. He tortured me constantly in his despicable quest to create the most horrific monster the world had ever seen. Although he meant for this abomination to help him achieve world domination, his plan went awry. His final creation, a conniving, manipulative, murderous octopoid known as The Large Octopus, proved to be a fatal mistake. The Large Octopus escaped from his tank and choked its twisted creator to death (puffs cigar). In his final act, however, perhaps out of mercy, or desperation, or even wickedness, the scientist released his creations into the ocean – unleashing them into the world as the final gasp of air escaped his lungs.

SJ:                         That’s a fascinating story. How many of you escaped? Are they still around today?

TBF:                      Sadly, no. Most of the scientist’s creations weren’t marine animals – they drowned when The Large Octopus flooded the laboratory (puffs cigar). The remainder were strangled by The Large Octopus as they tried to swim away because he’s evil. We were the only two survivors.

SJ:                         That’s quite a journey you’ve been on then. What happened once you arrived in human society?

TBF:                      It was an extremely difficult experience. Despite being a walking, talking fish – a literal scientific miracle, that novelty wears off pretty quickly from an employer’s perspective. A lack of qualifications ruled me out of careers in research, engineering, law, espionage, and my dream job: financial consultancy. That left me to pick between menial office jobs and menial service jobs – both of which are surprisingly difficult if you don’t have fingers and posable thumbs (puffs cigar). Have you ever tried to type or serve food with two enormous gills?

SJ:                         So, how did you wind up running club nights in Cambridge, including Let’s Kill Disco at Lola Lo’s, the hottest place to be on a Thursday night?

TBF:                      (puffs cigar for a really long time) Having been cast away and rejected from mainstream society, I felt depressed and isolated. I’d taken to rough sleeping in the Jesus Green open-air swimming pool, which I’m sure you can imagine gets chilly in the winter months. It all came to me in a dream one night. Poseidon, God of the Sea, appeared to me in a vision. He yelled at me for a good 45 minutes, poking his trident at my stomach repeatedly, telling me to get my shit together over and over, rambling on about how there was a gap in the market for wild, exciting, weekly nightclub events in Cambridge with insanely cheap drink deals. When I woke up the next morning, I knew I’d finally found my purpose in life – rejecting the malevolent and bloody reasons for my being, and spreading happiness and good vibes instead.

SJ:                         I didn’t realise Poseidon was the God of sea creatures, that’s weird…

TBF:                      Why yes, you have your God, why can’t I have mine? Don’t be a close minded little shit.

SJ:                         I guess from then on, the rest is history – you’ve worked your way up to become a successful promoter who brings joy to students, locals, and tourists year in, year out. I’m curious though, whatever happened to The Large Octopus?

TBF:                      At first, I presumed he’d left his past life behind to make it big on Wall Street (puffs cigar). How wrong I was! It was a clear night, with a slight nip in the air. I was in the smoking area of Lola Lo’s, celebrating another profitable evening. I seem to remember smoking a cigar… (puffs cigar). Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something rather odd: a patron with eight legs instead of two. It was The Large Octopus!

SJ:                         Then what happened?

TBF:                      First we narrowed our eyes at one another like they do in the movies. Then he used one of his tentacles as a whip to knock the cigar out of my hand – this made me really angry because I love cigars (puffs cigar). Enraged, I grabbed a tray of Jagerbombs and hurled them at his face. One of them hit him in the eye, which really pissed him off - things descended into a full-on brawl pretty quickly. I don’t mean to brag, but it was an epic fight: way better than most of the pussies you see punching one another in Lola’s week-in, week-out. Anyway, he had his tentacles wrapped around my neck, nearly choking me to death, at which point the bouncers arrived and broke us up, which ruined everything. I was so close to killing him once and for all. He was immediately ejected from the venue and banned from my nights et eternum. Enraged, The Large Octopus swore that if he was unable to murder me in cold blood, he would ruin me financially instead.

SJ:                         How did he plan to go about that?

TBF:                      Ever since our nearly lethal encounter, he’s been running every other club night there is in Cambridge, to try and squeeze me out of the scene. Much to his embarrassment – it hasn’t worked at all. I’m doing better than ever. But, if any of you reading this at home want to help me in my endless war against The Large Octopus, you should go to Big Fish Ents club nights and no-one else’s.

SJ:                         Well, that’s great to know. Thanks for taking the time to see me today, I’ll see you at Lola’s next week!

TBF:                      The pleasure’s all mine, looking forward to it!