Friday Fix: Lola Lo's Horoscopes

Would you like to have your destiny revealed? Then you’re in luck! Big Fish Ents’ resident soothsayer – that is to say, me – found the spare time to re-align some chakras in the back office. Despite Mars’ retrograde motion, I wrote to all the stars asking them to reveal your futures. What I got back was 100% true, entirely accurate predictions for what will happen the next time you go to Let’s Kill Disco at Lola Lo’s, the only place to be on a Thursday night. Be careful though, there’s nothing you can do to alter your fate; perhaps it’s better to not know?

Aries: 21st March to 19th April

After a case of mistaken identity, the bouncers will try to eject you from the club. However, after emerging victorious an impromptu freestyle disco competition against the most supple and nimble of the bouncers, they will allow you to stay.

Taurus: 20th April to 20th May

You will declare bankruptcy in the early hours of Friday morning after buying too many jagerbombs for yourself and a stranger you’ve just met. Although you were confident you’d end up going home together, financial insolvency turns out to be a massive turn off and they leave with someone who is able to repay their creditors.

Gemini: 21st May to 20th June

Your long-lost twin from whom you were separated at birth is going to hunt you down and murder you on the light up dance floor on the 2nd floor of Lola’s.

Cancer: 21st June to 22nd July

One of the bartenders will tearfully confess they’ve been sending hate mail to the surviving members of the Bee Gees in your name.

Leo: 23rd July to 22nd August

You will create a hilarious sitcom with a stranger in the smoking area, only to discover to your horror a month later that Keith Lemon independently came up with the exact same concept when you see the trailer on ITV2.

Virgo: 23rd August to 22nd September

Attempting to set up two of your friends will backfire when they bond over how much you meddle in their love lives and spend the whole night kissing in front of you. This serves as a stark, painful reminder of how lonely you are.

Libra: 23rd September to 22nd October

You will fail to negotiate a discount on the entry price with the dashing cashier for the fourth consecutive week.

Scorpio: 23rd October to 21st November

  1. Say YOUR name three times.
  2. Say your CRUSH’s name four times.
  3. Spell out your favourite type of alcohol BACKWARDS.
  4. SHARE this article on your FACEBOOK and tag FIVE friends.
  5. If you go to LET’S KILL DISCO this THURSDAY your CRUSH will KISS you! If you ignore this your crush will end up dating your WORST ENEMY and you will DIE from a BROKEN HEART.

Sagittarius: 22nd November to 21st December

You will engage in the epic final showdown, where the bad guy reveals the abort codes that allow you to save Earth from all the nuclear missiles he’s about to launch after a savage, bare-knuckles fight atop the VIP tables on Lola Lo’s first floor.

Capricorn: 22nd December to 19th January

Your birthday could be on Christmas Day this year! You will end up celebrating this festive double whammy at Lola Lo’s.

Aquarius: 22nd January to February 19th

After going to Let’s Kill Disco, you will bemoan your poor decision making in the group chat the following morning. However, deep down, you’re actually quite proud of it. If it was such a huge mistake, why are you going to do it again next week? You love it really. We know you do.

Pisces: 19th February to 20th March

You will have the best clubbing experience of your life, which will never be surpassed by any night out at university.