Festive Fix: The Big Fish Nativity Story

If, like us, you preferred partying to learning about the Bible in school, you might not know what this whole ‘Christmas’ celebration is about. Spoiler alert: it’s about the birth of Jesus Christ, whose birthday we now commemorate every year with frantic gift-buying, carol singing, mulled wine, and the Lola Lo’s x Fez Club Christmas Bloc Party on 20th December!

Not only are we going to tell you about the birth of Our Lord and Saviour, we’ve updated it for a modern-day setting so all of you iPhone using, binge-drinking, sex-crazed millennials can follow it too. Make sure you’re a wise person and follow the stars to Lola Lo’s this Thursday!

The Big Fish Nativity Story

Mary and Joseph were a young couple in love. Joseph had just completed a carpentry apprenticeship, while his girlfriend Mary worked nights in a bar. One night, when she was working until close, she was visited by a Hells Angel. Parking his Harley Davidson outside, the biker strolled into the bar and ordered a drink.

“I’m sorry sir, we’ve just called last orders” Mary apologised.

“That’s totally fine ma’am. I apologise.” the motorcyclist replied, “Not that you asked, but my name is Gabriel and you will have a son called Jesus.”

With that, Gabriel triumphantly walked out of the bar, hopped on his bike, and sped off into the night.

Some weeks later Mary discovered she was pregnant. Although it was no doubt a surprise to both of them, they recognised that this fulfilled the prophecy Mary had been given by the Hells Angel and it was their destiny to have this child. The months started to fly by - nothing interesting at all happened during this time, believe me.

December arrived; Joseph was looking forward to taking Mary to his hometown of Cambridge for the first time. The journey there was long and arduous because the trains are shit. Eventually, they arrived at Cambridge train station, only to find it packed with dozens of fellow Cantabrigians returning home for this exact period in December.

“My, there’s a lot of people visiting Cambridge!” Mary exclaimed to Joseph, “It’s a good thing you booked ahead and got us a room at the Premier Inn.”

“I thought you were booking us a room at the Premier Inn?” Joseph replied, “It’s fine though, there’ll definitely be a spare room at the Premier Inn.”

There was no room at the Premier Inn. Despite the protestations of Joe and his heavily pregnant beloved, the hotel reception would not budge, because it would be unfair to the other people who had made reservations. Obviously. They can’t just magic up some space because you rock up out of nowhere and demand a room. So, what could Mary and Joe do to entertain themselves and keep themselves out of the cold until the morning? They had but one choice: the Lola Lo’s Christmas all-nighter.

Mary and Joe arrived at the club. Joe had not been here in years; his eyes welled up at the prospect of returning to the hallowed ground where he used to party when he was younger. Weaving their way through the crowds, they managed to find a spot to sit in the smoking area: it was one of the busiest nights of the year, after all.

It was here that Mary gave birth. Just like that, I hear you ask? Well, in the original story that’s pretty much the gist of it. No mention of Mary shouting “Help, fetch a midwife or a doctor, I’m going into labour!”, nope. Baby Jesus may as well have been plucked out of thin air as far as I’m concerned – trust the Bible to just casually gloss over the ordeal of giving birth. So, let’s just skip that bit. It took five minutes and was painless, alright? Miracle baby over here.

Anyway, Jesus was being cradled by Mary and Joe on the top floor of Lola Lo’s. A beautiful starry sky marred so badly by light pollution that you couldn’t really see anything was looking down on them. Sitting in the corner, illuminated only by the heater which switched off automatically every minute, they began to be received by visitors.

First, they were joined by three wise men, students of the University of Cambridge. They called themselves ‘The Three Kings’, due to their enormous family estates they were due to inherit one day. They brought gifts for the baby - since this was the only way they knew how to impress strangers – a Jagerbomb, a VK, and a Red Stripe. These presents were immediately rejected, because only a lunatic would give their infant child alcohol.

Next, they were visited by a group of Instagram influencers; the shepherds who guide the sheep on social media with product and brand endorsements. They couldn’t pass up the opportunity of getting a new-born child on their Instagram story, so they lined up to take their turn having their picture taken with the baby Jesus.

Before they could receive any more visitors, however, they got word that the manager, a cruel man named Herod, had caught wind that a baby had just been born in his nightclub without paying an entry fee. He was on his way to the smoking area to ban them from Lola Lo’s for life. Mary, Joe and the baby Jesus had to leave before that happened, for life without Lola Lo’s is no life worth living.

They made a dash for the exit; three flights of stairs separated them from their freedom. Mary and Joe froze when they saw Herod passing by them on the stairs, but to their marvel he kept walking past them, seemingly oblivious to the child Mary was holding in her arms. This was because, unbeknownst to them, Herod lived in Lola Lo’s, and had never seen anyone under the age of 18 before, meaning he had no idea what a baby looked like.

As they exited the building into the crisp, winter air, they were met by a throng of locals who were awed by Jesus, having heard about him on their favourite influencer’s stories. They chanted his name, let him crowdsurf for a bit, and proclaimed him to be the Son of God.

And that, dear reader, is the Nativity story.