Friday Fix: Lola Lo's & Smoking

Trends in fashion among today’s Lola Lo’s addicted youth come and go in the blink of an eye. When I finished sixth form three years ago, it was all about Topman floral and wavy shirts complemented by a red raincoat - which I sported well before all you shit-limbed sheep began copying me. This year, they’re obsessed with their pseudo-edgy British and American brands; Palace, Adidas, any which adds its name and logo to an otherwise blank top.

One constant in the ever-evolving zeitgeist of adolescent social standards, however, is the acceptance, indeed encouragement, of smoking. Pop to the top floor of Lola Lo’s on a Thursday night during Let’s Kill Disco – the best, indeed only, place to go in Cambridge on that evening – and you will see scores of young adults dotted all over the smoking area, a plume of collective second-hand smoke looming above them, in a plainly transparent attempt to impress their peers.

This week’s Friday Fix is for anyone who wants to take up smoking for the obvious social benefits - but did you know that smoking the wrong type of cigarettes is social suicide? Here I give you the definitive guide as to which smokes you should buy if you’re looking to raise or lower your social standing accordingly.

 

Good Roll-ups

Social rating: Excellent

Ah, the ol’ roll-up. A filter, a rizla, tobacco and a lighter: the four ingredients that make up this time-honoured classic. Like a cocktail for your lungs which causes cancer. A (good) roll-up will boost your social credibility like nothing else.

It not only displays your technical abilities and co-ordination, it also demonstrates that you’re so passionate about smoking the act of rolling your own cigarette elicits a thrill deep inside you like no other. Charismatic individuals who yearn the status that comes with a homemade cancer stick without wanting to put in all the effort of making it themselves can often charm friends or strangers into rolling it for them, which earns bonus points.

 

Marlboro Gold

Social rating: Good

Well, well, well… somebody stuffed their luggage full of cheap cigarettes before flying home from Spain, didn’t they? Now they’re sharing the wealth: once the carton comes out, everyone will dip their fingers in. They smoke smoothly, cause sixteen types of cancer, and give you most of the prestige of a roll-up with none of the effort.

Why are they so popular, I hear you chorus? I don’t know. My research for this article consisted of half a dozen imprecise, ham-fisted Google searches. Just take my word for it, okay? Smoking these is considered cool and will eventually kill you.

 

Menthols

Social rating: Average

These are slap-bang in the middle of the road, not a bad shout. The kind of people who smoke these couldn’t care less about receiving kudos from their peers. They’re probably just stoked about the health risks such as erectile dysfunction or yellow teeth.

If you were to have a stroke whilst dragging on one of these – a scenario made six times more likely if you smoke 20 cigarettes a day – a moderate number of people would likely stop what they’re doing and come to your aid. Not everyone, but not nobody either. That’s a win for most people.

 

(Bad) Roll-ups

Social rating: Poor

I am aware this is not a tobacco cigarette. Google Images let me down.

As the old adage goes, a bad roll-up speaks a thousand words. You’re too drunk. You’re an amateur. You just want to fit in. You’re sabotaging your own roll-up because you’re scared of getting cancer like a lame person. You must have lobster claws for hands, which impairs your handiwork. These are all thoughts that run through a fellow smoker’s mind when they see you desperately puffing at that abomination.

Although some people will always give you an A for effort and appreciate you’re trying to go it your own way, many people will see you for what you are: a poser who will never be able to exploit their resultant tumour for as many Instagram followers as a real influencer could.

 

Lamberts

Social rating: Poor

Unless you’re walking your Staffordshire Bull Terrier and drinking a can of Stella Artois in the middle of the day, you shouldn’t be smoking these.

 

Chesterfields

Social rating: Abysmal

Ew, just don’t. You will quite rightly be ostracised. The very existence of these cigarettes is perhaps the greatest argument against allowing people the freedom to make their own choices in life. Don't even do it for a joke - no one would find it funny.