The Big Fish Easter Story
If, like us, you didn't pay much attention to religious studies at school & the last thing you can remember is your line saying 'baa' as a sheep at the school nativity play, we thought it would be only right to remind you of the Easter Story & the reason we are all partying this Thursday. If this was now, we believe this would be factually correct. See you on Thursday for our Bloc Party when you follow the other disciples down to LKD & Happy Easter!!
The Big Fish Easter Story
A young man named Jesus - decked out in a humble white t-shirt and black jeans - was walking to the Maundy Thursday all-nighter at Lola Lo and Fez with his twelve friends. He asked two of them to find him a bike, which they promptly did. As he rode past the Let's Kill Disco queue, fellow clubbers saw Jesus coming and covered the path ahead of him with palm leaves, shouting ‘it’s time for a fucking wild sesh!’ and ‘Jesus is the best!’
A short while later, everybody was grooving inside the club and having a wonderful time. Jagerbombs were dropping like apples in Eden. Shapes were being cut like a year 1’s maths homework. Jesus received a hero’s welcome when he first alighted the dancefloor, for he was the coolest boy in Cambridge.
One of Jesus’ twelve friends, who went by the name of Judas, was not having such a wonderful time, however. He was incredibly jealous of Jesus’ popularity, and couldn’t understand why all the normies loved him so much. He stumbled into two young men decked out in co-ordinated Ralph Lauren shirts and caps in the smoking area – they were clearly from the Perse. They were upset that the objects of their respective desires, two edgy girls from Hills Road who saw beyond their exorbitant wealth, had instead chosen to dance with Jesus due to his down to earth persona. They wanted him out of the picture, so they paid Judas £30 to have him kicked out of the club.
Just as Judas had begun plotting and scheming on how to oust Jesus, he noticed him out of the corner of his eye. Jesus was beckoning him over to an alcove where he was seated with the rest of their party. He’d bought each of them a shot as a token of their friendship. As the thirteen sunk their shots, his friends couldn’t help but noticing that Jesus looked rather morose. When asked what the matter was, Jesus replied that he knew one of them was going to betray him that night.
He procured a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. ‘This is my body.’ Jesus stated matter-of-factly. ‘Take it and smoke it and remember me.’ He then inexplicably produced a bottle of vodka from underneath the table. ‘This is my blood. Take it and drink it and remember me.’
Just as he returned to the dancefloor, Jesus was apprehended by multiple bouncers. They were acting on false information fed to them by Judas, who alleged that Jesus had been punching fellow clubbers. One of his disciples, Peter, punched one of the bouncers and broke his nose. Jesus told him he should not have done that, touched the man’s nose and it magically healed. Jesus’ friends became scared and ran for their lives. He was forced into a headlock and dragged down the stairs before being ejected from the venue.
Jesus, heartbroken at being betrayed, vanished without a trace. His friends knew not where he had gone. He stopped responding to their calls and messages altogether, and his Insta story hadn't been updated in days. However, three days later, they received an ominous text message from a mysterious phone number requesting they visit The Regal. When they converged on the Weatherspoon’s, who did they see sitting at the bar? Jesus himself! Everybody hugged and kissed and cried with joy and they all lived happily ever after.