The Seven Stages of Week Five Blues
Oh week five. Every term it comes around, and every term its the worst. But whether this is your first ever experience of week 5 blues, or if you’re in your 12th year and somehow, still here (and reading a big fish blog post??) then don’t fear - we’ve come to guide you through it with the help of our completely scientific and totally legitimate analysis. My academic magnum opus, the biggest culmination of data that this small city has ever seen - Cambridge analytica eat your fucking heart out and say hello to… The Seven Stages of Week Five Blues...
Stage 1: Shock - You wake up and something seems off. A creeping sense of dread washes over you as you check your phone calendar ad your heart sinks: week five is upon us. The shock is so paralysing you don’t leave bed for 6 hours, spending the whole day watching vine compilations. A fitting start.
Stage 2: Denial - Oh no, you think, surely not, it feels like only yesterday you were living your #bestlife getting absolutely annihilated in freshers week without a care in the world. There has to be some mistake - maybe the unnecessarily confusing Cambridge week has tricked you, and you’re still safely in week four. You don’t even feel that bad, you think, perhaps the week five blues are nothing but a myth to give tired blog editors something to write about when the news runs dry midway through the term. You proudly conclude this whole thing is nothing but a silly rumour, that you feel totally fine, and then proceed to spend the next 3 hours crying in bed. Oh wait.
Stage 3: Anger - What a load of bollocks. This is stupid. How is some arbitary point midway through term designed to make you feel this fucking sad? You sit there trying to remember that one time somebody told you that crying is actually good for your skin, but as soon as you start to imagine what a glowy goddess all these week 5 tears are going to make you into, you catch yourself in the mirror and notice a new spot has pitched up right in the middle of your face. Fucking brilliant. Absolutely fucking perfect. Fuck this.
Stage 4: Bargaining - You send an email to your supervisor asking for an essay extension. You send another email to another supervisor asking for another essay extension. At this point you’re considering hitting send all and getting a ‘time to get my life together’ extension.
Stage 5: Depression - I would come up for some funny quips for this bit but, let’s be honest, as Cambridge students I’m pretty sure this stage can go without explanation. Too close to home?
Stage 6: Testing - You tentatively attend a pres, still in your pyjamas, attempting to gather your strength. You begin to feel a weird sense of pride at having (mostly) made it through the week. Maybe Cambridge isn’t so bad, this pres is pretty fun, and who knows, by Thursday you might even be recovered enough to go on a proper night out…
Stage 7: Acceptance - Relief floods over you, the calendar turns over to the next Thursday and you realise you’ve done it. You have survived. It wasn’t even that bad, you smugly tell yourself. A sudden surge of confidence runs through your veins, if you can take on week 5 you can take on anything. And by anything, we all know you mean Thursday Lola’s. You feel invincible. You know you can carry all four VKs in one hand, you can take on the 158 flights of stairs, and you might even successfully get your ID out of your wallet to show the bouncers on your first try, instead of hopelessly throwing around your waterstones loyalty card and wondering why it doesn’t work on the scanner. The curse of week 5 is over, and there’s no better way to celebrate than by getting absolutely obliterated on Lola’s light up dancefloor. Go on, you’ve earned it.
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