For us uni students, we’ve got a LONG summer ahead of us. Despite being around your friends, summer can prove to be kind of lonely when you’re single *cue the mini violin*.
What do we do when we’re single? Well, some of us go out and get with some questionable people, just because we can. Some of us lay in bed watching Titanic, crying between mouthfuls of Ben and Jerrys. And, for some of us, when desperate times call for desperate measures, we download Tinder.
It’s safe to say that Tinder is a strange place. It’s like marmite; you either love it or you hate it. For the sake of you single boys and girls out there, I put myself through the torture that is Tinder to see what type of fish were in the sea – and it was tragic.
The Car Lover
The Car Lover has no photos of himself, but of his red Kia that he can barely afford on finance. His bio will say ‘Sam, 20, Red Kia, 1.2 Turbo, GTI’ which makes you think ‘does this lad want me to buy his car, or is Sam, in fact, a Transformer?’
A bit of a weird one, but rather than a ‘hey’ or a ‘how are you?’, The Salesman will launch straight into a sales pitch about himself. His bio will be a 10,000-word dissertation on why he’s a good lad and how you should take a chance on him, and when he slides into your DM’s, he’ll tell you his life story from the day he left his mother’s womb. You half expect him to say, ‘and that, Lord Sugar, is why you should invest £250k in me’ by the time he’s done.
The One Word Wonder
You got it; The One Word Wonder only replies with one word – if you’re lucky, you might get a ‘wuu2’, but that’s only if you catch him when he’s feeling a bit risky. Talking to The One Word Wonder is like talking to a brick wall, and it inevitably ends with you ghosting him whilst he continues to spam you with ‘hi’ and ‘?’ twice a day for a week, before he finally gets the hint.
The Chat-Up Liner
We love to hate chat-up lines. The Chat-Up Liner won’t be original, and will ask you ‘how much does a polar bear weigh?’. You can bet that I’m gonna answer with ‘males weigh 450kg whereas females weigh between 150-250kg’ because there’s no ice breaking going on here.
This is the one that gives Tinder a bad name. He’ll ask for ‘pics’ at 2:35 am even though the only photos he has of himself are of his jawline, and he’ll ask you if you wanna ‘Netflix and chill’ round his tomorrow night, despite only talking to him for a grand total of 7 minutes and 26 seconds.
Whatever you choose to do with your summer away from uni, maybe put Tinder at the bottom of your list of priorities...
In the morning you’ll be like ‘oh my god, remember Darylle?’, and the answer will be ‘who?’ Read more...
Stop trying to make #SWEENG happen Read more...