It's coming home, so I better work out what the fuss is

So I’ll start this off by saying I know nothing about football. I used to play as a kid, but have never had any interest in watching it because... well, if I want to look at semi-naked men, football isn’t my first choice.

But it’s EVERYWHERE at the moment. I literally can’t join a conversation without it coming up. Even if it’s a group of people who hate the sport, someone will bring up the fact we’re obliged to talk about it every conversation.

“Did you watch the game?”
‘No, did you?’
“No. But....”

And then we’re off, talking about a game none of us have watched. Everyone knows the stats — furthest we’ve got in 25 years. Everyone knows the players (Harry Kane top goal scorer etc etc etc). But no one seems to know why it matters.

I’m here to find out.

12:46 - I realised that actually, despite the number of conversations I’ve had about it over the past month, I know very little about football. I google it. Google knows what’s up.



13:19 - FIFA is trying to make #SWEENG happen. It’s not going to happen.



It sounds like a disease.

14:00 - Watching the match in Selwyn bar, because there’s an alumni event on at the same time and I’m hoping they’re going to explain it to me.

14:02 - no one is here to explain it to me

14:32 - people are here to watch but they're all too drunk to explain it to me

14:37 - The commentator really doesn’t know what to do with the twenty minutes, but he’s going to try.
“This game doesn’t really need hyping up but we thought we’d do it anyway.”

14:45 - I’m not sure ten minutes has ever lasted so long. Football may be coming home, but it’s crawling.


15:00 - They kicked it! Exciting!

15:01 - “It’s nice for every player to get a boot of the ball early on”. Yes, because this is kindergarten and we need to learn to share.

15:03 - Wow the commentator really is chatting shit - “He wants the ball, and he will get it in a roundabout way”. No, really? Is that how football works?

15:05 - Ooh, I forgot free kicks were a thing.

15:15 - the defenders just did a thing well I think. Or else the attack just did a thing badly. Either way, no one scored.

15:18 - there was nearly a goal! There wasn’t though.

15:25 - started a tally of how many times I’ve heard the phrase “it’s coming home.” So far 18, two of them from the Selwyn Master.

15:32 - someone scored! With their HEAD! This game is grossly misnamed.

15:43 - goal keeper made a catch. Yay. Well done goalkeeper.

15:44 - apparently Stirling doesn’t know the offside rule. Can’t say I blame him.

15:44 - he also can’t kick the ball apparently

15:44 - in my head the Stirling in the football team is the same as Iain Stirling who narrates Love Island.

15:45 corner corner corner

15:46 and another one



15:46 Stirling is trying his hardest and therefore no one should judge him

15:46 oh it stopped

15:47 the trophy is very pretty

15:47 match stats, fun. Apparently Sweden is a bit shit so far.

15:49 clips show Croydon and Newcastle know how to celebrate. Here at Selwyn a little kid punched the air. Mad scenes.

16:01 apparently all of Sweden’s goals so far have been in the second half. We’ll see.

16:06 - Kane is very good at kicking the ball. Not like, into the goal or anything. Just in general.



16:13 - have found a football expert who is informing me that Sweden are very good with set pieces.

16:14 - YAAAAAAAAAS.



16:19 - all I’m saying is that when the game is called “foot”ball, you don’t expect 0% of the goals to be scored by feet.

16:34 - he’s not ducking injured he’s stalling

16:46 - not gonna lie, it’s got a bit dull now it’s obvious England’s winning

16:47 - footballs coming home count 27


16:49 - remember vuvuzelas? Glad they’re not a thing anymore.

17:00 - Oh. It’s over. That was fun.

FINAL STATS
GOALS - 2
GOALS SCORED BY FOOT - 0
NUMBER OF TIMES I’VE HEARD FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME - infinite.