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When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
What happens when we die? Is our entire consciousness, our entire being – our personality, our memories, our knowledge, and our secrets – destroyed forever, lost in the abyss? Does our soul escape its corporeal prison and ascend to the pearly gates of heaven, to discover the fate which awaits us in the afterlife as decreed by God?
As a mere mortal, I could not possibly claim to foresee our collective futures. However, after spending some time poring over holy scripture, I have stumbled upon a fascinating conclusion: we may all find salvation by religiously attending Let’s Kill Disco at Lola Lo’s, which I hear is the hottest place to be in Cambridge on a Thursday. To illustrate my point, I’m going to analyse a series of Bible verses (using the skills I picked up from Religious Studies GCSE), and explain their hidden meaning to you, my loyal flock.
And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.
This quote very clearly describes how we are supposed to behave on a night out: by not even bothering with weak, watery grape juice and hitting the hard liquor straight away. Have you ever seen some loser drinking wine in Lola Lo? Me neither. Everyone’s drinking spirits, like devout Christians, should – including you.
Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father
Ignoring the quasi-incestuous overtones of this passage – which I’m going to disregard since the Bible is ancient and one should take its historical context with a pinch of salt – this obviously advocates casual sex. Now I’m no telepath, but when I see all you couples leaving Lola Lo’s on a Thursday night, I’d be willing to bet you’re going to do naughty things together (as couples, not with other couples). Now you have biblical proof that all of that fooling around after Let’s Kill Disco is boosting your chances of getting into heaven, there’s no reason not to do it again, right?
Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
The old man up in the sky isn’t going to spell it out any more simply than this: going out will cheer you up immeasurably as well as granting you the divine’s blessing in the process. But what if you’re dancing too raunchily or seductively, I hear you cry? Surely that would anger St Peter, since the Bible is super repressive towards women? What am I, a fucking priest?! Maybe you should pray to God if you want an answer – I’ve had enough Bible studies for one day.