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Even though we’ve all left school, cliques prevail in the world of clubbing. Here are the six (and only six) types of people you’ll meet at Let’s Kill Disco. From those who know.

Party Girl

She’s out to have a good time. She wants you to know it. You must know it. If you don’t know it she may quite literally die. Her squad have overindulged on Sainsbury’s basic gin and tonic at pres: there’s a 99% chance at least one of them won’t be let in. But they shall leave the paralytic where they lie: nothing may get in the way of a good time. With her brightly patterned trousers, eyebrows on fleek and at least two piercings: she’s unique. Common prey for the fuckboy (see below). Typical variations on the party girl may wear copious amounts of glitter, or insist on using the word ‘fuck’ every other sentence. No matter what, the fun can never stop – provided no one forgets the PIN for daddy’s card.

Your Future Husband

With his piercing green eyes, shimmering golden hair, and devilish smile: you’ll never forget the first time you laid eyes on your future husband at Let’s Kill Disco – when he is getting with someone else to My Head Is a Jungle. That’s something you’ll laugh about though – his brash wit will never cease to spread a smile across your face. Who knew that amidst the mass of interesting, sexy people and banging tunes that you only get at Let’s Kill Disco at Lola Lo’s every Thursday night, you’d find the one man who can make you feel so special?

Your Future In-Laws

What’s the point in getting married if you don’t get a free new family?! Thankfully, you can try before you buy with your future husband, as all his close relatives will be sharing a table on the first floor! How could you possibly have a great time at Lola Lo if you weren’t doing vodka shots with your quinquagenarian future father-in-law and James, your sassy and eccentric cousin-in-law to be? This makes for a fantastic story to retell at your wedding reception one day.

Your Future Divorce Lawyer

Who knew that you’d meet the expertly skilled legal professional who helped you keep the house by coincidence? Who would have thought that when he accidentally spilled your vodka and lemonade in the smoking area, it would prove to be one of the best things to ever happen to you? With his effortless charisma and unmatched passion for divorce proceedings, his charm and talent alone secured you a big win over your son of a bitch future ex-husband. The only thing as impressive as his negotiation tactics are his dance moves, so be sure to cut a shape or two with him on the light up dance floor!

Your Future Second Husband

You love him for his quirks; his non-ironic Lennon glasses, his tendency to smoke fat Cuban cigars, and above all his insistence of always wearing a white t-shirt to a nightclub. So maybe he isn’t as hot or as cool as your first husband… but at least he listens to you! Plus, he’s great with the kids! No matter what your friends say, financial security is a massive turn-on. His obsession for craft beers may border on dorky, and that odd gap between his two front teeth can scare you sometimes – but if your divorce taught you anything, no one’s perfect.

Fuckboy

One hand is decorated with four enticing, yet surprisingly cheap silver looking rings. His other hand is bare; however, his wrist is tricked out with Reading festival wristbands and River Island bracelets. A small, white, unfamiliar logo adorns the right breast of his black t-shirt. He and his half a dozen friends – all sporting slightly different variations of the short back and sides haircut – are here for the sesh. But you’re the centre of his world tonight. And only tonight. You want to dream it could be longer than that: he bought you a shot, he rolled you a cigarette, he even complimented you on your wavey garms – sadly this is all classic fuckboy behaviour. Don’t get played, he just wants to get laid. 

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